7 August 2017
It is the middle of the night, the time that most people dread to be awake.. I’m here in mild pain, unable to sleep. After an amazing evening with family and friends. I woke up at 2 AM. My pain returning – this means I had to pop a pill, eat something and wait for it to subside. I was resentful at first – but a slow understanding had been dawning over me lately. I’d been reading Ram Dass’ book – Still here. And it was changing my perspective along with other things that were going on within.
In the last few months, as my health took a turn for what seemed the worse, my search for a cure , increased in intensity. What was more interesting was the intensity with which others were looking for a cure for me, or offering solutions. I was asked to change doctors, try herbal remedies, go natural, remove spirit attachments , smoke a joint … you name it. Each had it’s own use. Sometimes things worked, sometimes they did not, sometimes I just did not want to try them .
I am touched by the care and concern of my loved ones, it is hard for us to see someone we love in pain. but eventually it was becoming boring , to talk of my symptoms all day, or have the conversation revolve around “by the way have you tried this” ….. I began to feel like a complete failure. I was unable to heal myself. I was unable to procure a miracle.
Two important things started to happen. I started to deepen my relationship with my body, that made me change my habits and lifestyle… but most importantly, I felt a yearning.. that was so strong- to drop all else and go within – to find God. To find that universe within me that Rumi was talking about..
Over the years, I have encountered both physical and mental pain. Both excruciating.. at all times, I have been supported by the presence of my father who was a doctor- who barely left my side. In the last 4 years, after his death, his physical presence was no more. Strangely for all my spiritual experiences, I couldn’t connect with him spiritually barring a few occasions. This left me feeling incredibly abandoned. Even though I had support from other sources.. a parent remains a parent. So it was then that I decided to turn to my only parent. The heavenly one. The one who really gave me this life.. who I was a part of. I found I had strength within that I had forgotten about. I made friends with my pain, after all, if it wasn’t for the pain- I would have never chosen to walk this path.
All my life – I have felt disillusioned with the rat race. I have enjoyed many successes, seen some failures, seen loss, health wealth love, illness.
I’ve seen in the last few years , how we have grown averse to all forms of suffering because we believe we can wish it away by positive thought. I don’t deny a positive thought changes perspective – that is exactly what I am writing about… but from a compassionate and embracing race – we’ve turned into a hashtag of a culture. #goodvibesonlyplease.
Rather than see the strength in our fellow humans and the resilience to go on – we look down on them as you must have attracted this. This is your bullshit. We’ve forgotten to celebrate each other – rather we’ve turned spiritualty into another race where the reward is a “perfectly manifested life” . We’ve turned into a different breed of rat.
I spent a year working with differently abled young adults on a farm outside the city recently. These were beautiful human beings with a range of disabilities ranging from minor retardation to sever behavioural and physical limitations.
I watched as an environment of not just medication and care – but love and support actually healed them. Not healed in a curative sense , but as Ram Dass calls “moving more into Soul Awareness” And what has been most amazing is the community they have created for themselves. The love and support they have for each other is mind blowing. You won’t find that here in the city – where our lives are too busy as we chase our #dreams and #relationshipgoals.
More than anything – they accept each other. They do not see each other as broken, or ill or diseased. Yes they fight – sometimes they don’t get along.. but they work towards healing and loving each other. They stay together.
Between my own illness, and this experience – I wish to say to you… do not be averse to what is happening to you as you age, or suffer… whether it is physically or materially.. What seems like suffering – is simply moving up on the path- closer to God. It’s giving your life a new dimension- a chance for your soul to grow..
My illness has been a blessing – the best thing that happened to me. It brought me closer to my FATHER. It has opened my eyes once more to seek beauty in the world, to slow down and enjoy life, to be grateful, to love.
My soul is content, it’s singing. It’s no longer in any kind of pain. It never was.